Riding the Anhedony Pony

It would be great if I was prepared for days like this by getting everything done that I needed to ahead of time.  That’s not quite how it works, unfortunately.  I took it pretty easy this weekend because physically I was in the middle of a bad flare-up of my arthritis and figured that somehow that would prepare me for being super productive today.

Unfortunately my body and brain never seem to have their shit together, cooperation-wise.

So here I am today, over the worst of my arthritis flare (and therefore technically capable of getting things done), but I am stuck.  Can’t do anything.  Don’t want to, don’t care, and didn’t even want to crawl out of bed this morning.

Can’t think.  Can’t write.  Can’t get up and move things to the new house, which I was really excited to do yesterday but was physically unable to do.

Anhedonia has got to be the most pathetic and useless state of being.

If someone tells you they’re too depressed to do something, you might have sympathy for them.  I’m not depressed.  I just don’t feel anything or feel attached to anything or feel motivated to do anything.  I mostly want to just stop doing anything.  Even watching a video feels like too much work, because I’d have to make a choice about what to watch.

When I’m suffering from depression, I spend a lot of time sleeping.  But I can’t nap.  Everything seems unachievable – even nothingness.  I can’t even do that right.

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.  Textures bother me.  Lights are too bright.  I don’t feel like eating, but if I don’t, I’ll feel worse (thanks diabetes!), so I eat anything that’s easy and doesn’t require decisions.  But it doesn’t taste like anything and it’s more about function.  Eat something and my body won’t bother me for another few hours.

It’s taking me a ridiculous amount of time to even complete this post, because no reasons.

Actually?  I don’t think I will.

/rk

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