(aka Why I Won’t Date You Either)
As I read profiles on OkCupid, there are certain words and phrases that are an automatic turn-off for me. I mean, beyond the expletives and crass references to what you want to do to various parts of my anatomy. Some of them seem fairly innocuous, but for me they’re pretty triggering.
1. “No drama”
- I’m going to go ahead and assume what you mean is you don’t want me to argue with you. Ever. Don’t challenge you. Don’t get emotional. Basically have no feelings of any kind, other than routinely telling you how awesome and right you are. I’m an actress, so right off the bat I feel compelled to be a bit insulted when you imply there’s something negative about drama. But for the most part I’m pissed off because it sounds like what you want is a doormat.
2. “Never stick your dick in crazy”
- Wow. You’re so enlightened. Like, what a great life lesson, amirite? Bitches be crazy. But I bet you’re the kind of guy who writes off a girl as crazy any time she calls you on your shit or basically does anything you don’t like. Gaslighting is not okay. Labelling a woman crazy everytime she gets emotional or simply reacts to your manipulation is not ok.
3. “No baggage”
- If by baggage you mean history – then who the hell doesn’t have one? Your point is moot.
- Ahhhh… so you’re married.* Or you just don’t want to introduce me to your friends? Or want anyone to know we’re dating? Or basically all of the above? Remind me again why I would want to get involved with a liar?
5. “Not too clingy”
- Do you mean a woman who expects you to call her and want to spend time with her? Expects you to not be afraid to show affection for her and acknowledge her in front of your friends? That’s not being clingy. That’s being your girlfriend.
6. “No hoes”
- I don’t know if I’m more bothered by the slut-shaming or the fact that you just called a women a name that’s supposed to be applied to an object. I assume you’ve also maintained your ‘purity’.
7. “No fat chicks”
- You’re an ass.
8. “No Feminazis”
- That’s not a thing. And the fact that you think it’s a thing says a lot about you. You’re effectively telling me that you’re against equal rights for women and that you think any woman who speaks out in favour of that goal is a shrill harpy. So again, you basically want a doormat.
- Wait, what? Are you inspecting me for lice? I mean, I’m all in favour of both parties disclosing their sexual history and taking steps to prevent the spread of disease, but you’re not ordering a sex toy. Jeesh.
10. “Friends first”
- Clever. Who could complain about this one? Everyone should be friends first, right? Except why do I get the feeling that you just want to be the one to say it first so you can be the one who decides if we become more than that. It’s all about control, right? If it doesn’t work out, you can say we were just friends. You’ve already laid down the ground rules, so you get to decide when and if you want to commit. Hell, even if we have sex and I think that means we’re dating, you can just say we were friends with benefits.
BONUS: “Friends with benefits”
- You want sex without strings. You don’t want a friend.
* I believe in ethical non-monogamy, but if you are married and it doesn’t say so on your profile, or you don’t disclose it, or your partner doesn’t know you’re dating – that’s not ethical. ‘Nuff said.